


Dear Miss Hofferson, Dear Mr. Haddock

by haddocksortails



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: F/M, httyd comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-25
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:33:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21563977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haddocksortails/pseuds/haddocksortails
Summary: It's a series of very short and very silly notes, mostly between Hiccup and Astrid.It focuses on their budding romance, but other Berkians (even the dragons) chirp in.(I wrote this a million years ago on FF.net, I brushed it off a little because it's dear to my heart.)
Relationships: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Astrid Hofferson, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Comments: 36
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Allow me to admit that you looked absolutely charming during training today.

My blood really suits your complexion.

Yours,

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Thanks. Next time try not to fall face-first on my fist.

AH

PS I think your head is way too big.

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I was pretty sure that my head was fairly regular-sized, but I've just checked with our numbers guy, Mr. Fishlegs, and it turned out that my head was actually 1.4 inches smaller than the average Viking head.

Truly Yours,

HHH III

* * *

**Hey Astrid,**

Fishlegs here. I've measured several heads in the village and I think it's safe to say that Hiccup's head is among the smaller ones. Based on my statistics, the average...

Okay, Ruffnut tore up all my papers, so you have to take my word for it... 

Okay, got to finish now, Ruffnut pressed a rotten salmon to my back. She obviously has no respect for my scientific work.

Fishlegs

* * *

 **Hey Fishyfishy** ,

That was not a salmon, it was my _Scheide-kröte_. Pardon my German.

RoughNOT

* * *

**Hey Ruff,**

Wow girl, you are one flexible vixen!

Astr.

* * *

**Fishlegs,**

First of all, sorry about Ruff violating your back.

Second of all, sorry, but I'm not interested in numbers. Unless it's headcount, of course. I'd enjoy counting the heads I've chopped off.

A.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

I'm not really into statistics, I believe in what I see with my own eyes. I still think your head is far bigger than it should be and I'd love to solve this problem of yours with my ax.

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

The thing is, I like my head the way it is, so you have to live with it.

Okay, I don't want to give you any ideas, _I_ have to live with it.

Anyways, speaking of round objects, are you attending the Viking soccer tournament next weekend?

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

I will, of course. Why?

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

We could practice together. I have a cute ball.

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

I can assure you that I'm not interested in your _ball_.

AH

PS I thought you only lost a limb while fighting that big ass dragon.

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I meant the ball _I sewed_ in the forge last week.

HHH III

PS I've only lost one foot. All other parts of me are fully present and functional. Come, look at them if you don't believe me.

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

A boy who actually sews? Lame, lame, lame.

Will you come to the Ruff-Tuff birthday bash?

(Soccer was boatloads of fun. So sorry you ended up in Fishleg's team.)

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

See you at the party in the Meade Hall.

(Don't care, we did our best. His back smells funny, though. Shouldn't we call him Fishbacks?)

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

I'm quite sure I offered my shoulder to cry on and not my breast.

Although thank you for your kind comments on its size and shape.

However, I strongly advise you to stay away from alcohol when you're emotional.

AH

* * *

**Hey, Ass-trid,**

Saw you leave with Hiccs-bonzo.

Did you big baaang?

Tuffee

* * *

**Tuffnut,**

Are you high? Shall I draw you a new face with my ax?

A.

PS Just to inform you, I spell my name with one 'S'.

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Sorry about touching your breast, it was an accident. Will never happen again.

Shame on me,

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Enough with the 'accidents', please refrain from 'accidentally' groping my bum during training, too.

Yours sincerely,

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Look who's talking? I can actually feel when your eager eyes burn a hole on the back of my pants.

Yours,

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

I'd poke my eyes with a hot iron bar just to prove you that I'm _NOT_ checking out your hindquarters.

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I'd gladly help you with the hot iron bar, come see me at the forge.

HHH III

* * *

**AAAstrid!**

Hiccup at the forge, shirtless!

If you chop him up, which I'm sure you'll do pretty soon, please give his torso to me, I wanna sleep on those abs!

Ruffy

* * *

**Hey Ruff,**

Sure thing, sister.

I have an ax that needs to be sharpened, I might dice him with that once he whetted the blade.

A.

* * *

**Hiccup,**

I have a serious business with a... _person_.

Won't be at the forge this evening.

Be a good lad, don't ruin the smithy.

Uncle G.

* * *

**Dear Gobber,**

Why on earth would I ruin the smithy?

Hiccup

* * *

 **Son** ,

You're clumsy as Hel. I don't take my chances.

So again, be careful.

Uncle Gobber

PS I don't mind if you invite a lass over, just make sure you clean up your mess.

PSS Don't tell your dad I've said that.

* * *

**Gobber,**

Why on Earth would I invite a girl to the forge?

And what mess are you talking about?

I'm confused...

Hiccup

* * *

**Hiccup,**

Probably I should have used the word 'numpty' instead of 'clumsy'.

UG

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Could you possibly sharpen my ax this evening?

I might need it later...

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I'm not sure I can do it tonight. I'm pretty busy,

Gobber left all the work to me.

But come by, I'll try to squeeze you in.

HHH III

* * *

**Dear M.r Haddock,**

See you at dusk.

AH

PS Don't even think about squeezing me. Or squeezing anything in me. 

* * *

**Oh, Sweet Milady,**

Wish you'd drop by the forge every night when I'm alone.

Wish I'd be alone in the forge every night.

It was... ah-some....

XXX,

Hiccup


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear Gobber,**

Mrs. Ingerman, also known as my beloved mother, brought our 34-piece family knife set to your forge and you agreed to mend the dull blades. Last spring it took you 2 days 3 hours and 57 minutes to sharpen them, so I went to the forge at 7.22 PM the other night, assuming that 2 days and 4 hours should be more than enough time for you to finish the job, but to my greatest surprise, your door was locked!

Someone was inside - judging by the sighs and the muffled voices I heard when I put my ear to the door.

I went there at 9.13 PM and 10.39 PM, and ended up with no knives at all instead of 34.

Do you have a VIP list now? Whose weapons and/or cutlery are you forging after dark behind closed doors?

I'll be at your shop at 8.13 PM tonight, my mom needs her knives.

Our whole family is starving.

Fishlegs / Ingerman Family

* * *

**HICCUP!!!!!**

I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, THIS TIME FOR REAL!!!!

A. HoffersOFF

* * *

Hiccup. Forge. Now. I'm gonna kick your ass.

**Gobber**

PS Meanwhile, could you explain why there is a breast binding on one of the anvils?

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

What have I done?

After last night, I thought we were friends. Like really _close_ friends. 

Did you put me in the enemy zone? Can we still be foes with benefits? 

HHH III

* * *

**Gobber,**

In a minute.

Hiccup

PS Oooops, the breast binding is errr... mine. I was wondering the other day whether we had enough cross-dressing Vikings...

* * *

**HICCUP,**

TUFFNUT HAD A PICTURE OF MY BOOBS!

I HATE YOU FOR DOING THAT!

A.H.

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I didn't draw it!

The person's name who I believe depicted your.... chestal area rhymes with " _snore loud_ ".

HHH III

PS In his defense I had to admit that it was quite an accurate picture...

PPS Oh, sorry, how should I know...

PPPS I mean how should HE know?!

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Problem solved. I tore it (and him) to pieces.

AH

PS But I'm still missing a crucial piece of clothing...

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Erm. I have the piece of clothing. Let's just say it's on me, but please don't ask who made me wear it and why.

* * *

**Hiccy,**

Heard about your new talent, I love your drag-matic flair! Do you do stag parties?

Astrid broke Snotty's face and fingers so we thought a stag night might cheer him up.

Tuff-dog

* * *

**Son,**

Is there something you want to tell me? You know I will always love you, no matter what.

Dad

PS I'll go on a fishing trip. Won't be back for a couple of days.

PPS Your mom's old clothes are in the chest under my bed, just in case you... want to get in touch with your err... feminine side.

* * *

**DAD!**

I'VE NO FEMININE SIDE! I AM THE MANLIEST MAN EVER!

H.

PS Have a good trip.

* * *

Sure thing, son.

Dad

* * *

**Tuffnut,**

Why would you have a stag night? No one is getting married.

Hiccup

* * *

**Gee, Hiccs,**

You're such a buzzkill.

Okay then, you'll get married on Friday.

I reserved the Meade Hall for Thursday night and for Friday afternoon.

You're going to have an awesome stag party, by the way.

I am in charge. Everything is on me, but nothing will be on me!

Ts

* * *

**Tuffnut,**

Are you drunk? I don't want to get married.

H.

PS You do know that brides are essential parts of a wedding, don't you?

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Could you come over tonight and be a little nice to me?

I had the worst day ever. I'd really like to cry now, but I still need to sharpen 26 knives and Fishlegs is watching me from an uncomfortably close distance and I think he is growling...

HHH III

PS How can you wear these things all the time? It really hurts my skin.

* * *

In your dreams, Haddock.

AH.

PS Take it off, will you?!

* * *

**Astrid,**

In my dreams, you are actually _very_ nice to me.

Hiccup

PS Every time I want you to take it off I literally have to beg you. Now it's your turn!

* * *

**Hiccup,**

Give me my stuff back. Please.

AH

* * *

**Astrid,**

Come to my place.

See you at 9.

H.

* * *

Okay.

A.

* * *

**Dearest Miss Hofferson...**

Thank you for providing a 'happy end' to my disaster day...

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Just to inform you, where I come from it is called 'blackmail'.

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I know, but I'm pretty sure you enjoyed it too.

Blackmail me back anytime!

Hiccup

PS You left your binding on my bedpost. <3

* * *

**Hicc-Up!**

I've found you the most perfect bride!

See you on Friday, dress up nicely.

Tufffff-y


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey Toothy,**

I thought we might as well be friends since it seems that we have to spend every night together.

Luvs,

Stormfly

* * *

**Dear Miss Nadder,**

Sure, okay… we might as well.

Mind if I ask you a question? 'm pretty sure it's mating season for the humans. Do you know how long it will last? I know it's in the _Human Manual_ but I didn't check it. Never in a million years would have I guessed that my rider was mature enough to reproduce. 

Toothless

PS Please refrain from calling me any nicknames, it's so corny.

* * *

**Sure thing, Toothless.**

As far as I remember, it starts in the spring and lasts for 9 months. The females keep their eggs in their stomachs. How lame that is.

SF

* * *

**Hi Lady Dragon,**

Pff. Only 8.5 months to go then.

See you later in the cove, they usually hide there on Frigga's days.

Toothless

PS Why can't they mate together with the rest of the humans? That's another lame thing I don't understand.

* * *

**Good morning Mr. N. Fury,**

After last night, I've checked the _Human Manual_ and our riders do this mating thing all the wrong way!

I'm afraid they are upside down.

I'm pretty sure it's gonna last a lot longer this way…

SF

* * *

**Hi Stormyfly,**

First of all, could you do something about your rider? She is so annoyingly loud. I don't know why she keeps screaming all the time, my master would never hurt her.

He isn't strong enough to do that.

About the topsy-turvy problem… Shall we show them how to mate properly?

Toothless

PS I love your scales. They are so blue.

* * *

**Dear Toothless,**

You're making a point here. Yeah, we could probably teach them a thing or two.

How about tonight?

SF

* * *

**Hiccup!**

Come over immediately, your stupid dragon is humping my beautiful Nadder!

Astrid

* * *

What?!

H.

* * *

This is not a joke. They've finished it (or so I think).

….

Yep. I'm pretty sure now.

Come over and clean the mess your stupid reptile made before I break his tail and your leg.

A.

* * *

**Toothless,**

Bad dragon. Very bad dragon.

Hiccup

PS Ah, who am I kidding? I totally understand you, I only wish Astrid would let me do what you did to Stormfly. Way to go, bud!

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Is it true that you're going to get married tomorrow? Ruffnut asked me whether I wanted to be a bridesmaid.

A. Hofferson

PS I have to tell you, I was quite surprised. I thought we had a mutual understanding.

PPS I actually liked 'snuggling' with you.

* * *

**Aaaaastrid, you dearest, most beautiful and most evil creature in my life!**

I don't want to get married. Or at least not tomorrow. Tuffnut is nuts again.

Yours, as always,

Hiccup

PS Well, I wouldn't say we have a 'mutual understanding', I'd rather say you command me to do stuff and I obey. But I like it this way.

PPS If we were just innocently 'snuggling' our dragons wouldn't hump each other. I think you're looking for another word that starts with 's'.

* * *

**Hiccup,**

Don't you dare to write down what you are thinking of. (And I know you are thinking of it a lot!)

But we can totally quit for the sake of our dragons' morals.

No kisses at all,

Astrid

PS Say goodbye to my tongue!

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

You're such an impossible person. Here I'm at the forge, trying to mend the broken mangler (do you know how difficult its mechanics are?) and now all I can think about what you are capable of with your tongue…

Yours sufferingly,

HHH III

PS Actually, I know you for a fact that you're not finished with me. You've said multiple times that I taste sweeter than mead. And we all know how much you like mead…

* * *

Are you implying that I'm an alcoholic?

I'm so furious right now.

AH

* * *

No. I mean you're a _hiccupoholic_. But who could blame you for that? It's really hard to resist all of this! (I'm gesturing to all of me.)

I've finished the mangler, come to the forge, let me give you something delicious.

Mr. Taste Good

* * *

**Hixupx!**

Your bride is ready, she is a _sheared_ beauty, all dressed in white.

I think you're going to be _best bah-ddies_.

Have a wonderful _weeding day_!

T-dog

* * *

**Tuffnut,**

You don't mind if I _eat_ my bride, do you?

Hiccup

* * *

**Hixxx,**

Wow, already thinking about sexy times?

Just don't do in front of us, okay?

Tuffs

* * *

Oh, for Thor's sake, I meant for DINNER.

H.

* * *

**Hiccup,**

Sorry to inform you, but your wedding is canceled.

Mildew eloped with your future wife.

Tuff

:-(((((( - I drew you sad faces, you must be crying like a lamb now.

Oh, sorry about the 'lamb' part, how insensitive I am!

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I've left for Outcast Island.

I think it's safer for me there.

HHH III

PS Laugh all you want, but that was a serious question last night. _Very serious_.

PPS Thank you for not breaking my jaw, though.


	4. Chapter 4

**Astrid-Smashstrid,**

Heard your "man" ditched you.

Wanna mess around with me? I have some dirty ideas…

Your Snotty

* * *

**Snot,**

I've some dirty ideas too.

How about I slam your face in the mud and drown you?

AH

* * *

**A-Girl,**

You misunderstood me!

Let me re-phrase it: do you want me to fill the _void_ Hiccup left behind?

Still: Your Snotty

PS Just for the record, how big is the _void_?

PPS Erm, it's for the sake of science, Fishlegs and I are working on some erm… body… statisticsiscality or what.

* * *

**Okay, Snotlout,**

Come to my house at 8, I'll show you one of my favorite moves.

AH

* * *

**Astrid,**

Ouch!

SL

* * *

**Fishface,**

Need your annoying geek logic here.

Astrid punched Hiccup all the time, because she fancied him, right?

So in theory, if she broke my nose could that mean that she wants to marry me?

Snotface

* * *

**Hi there Snotlout,**

As I recall, in 67.8 percent of the cases, Astrid's violence towards Hiccup was the direct result of unresolved sexual tensions and frustrations, so, yes, there's a good chance that when she decides on getting married, she will cause serious injuries to her intended. Possibly fatal ones. So if these injuries result in your premature death, I think it's safe to assume that you're the lucky winner of Astrid's heart and erm... her fisted hand.

Hope that helps,

Fishlegs

PS Heard about your broken nose. Get well soon!

* * *

**Hey Snotter,**

I've just heard in the Meade Hall that Astrid wants to kill you. Awesome news, am I right?

Tuff'n'Nuts

* * *

**Fish!**

Woot woot! She wants me dead! I think I'm going to get married!

Snotlout

* * *

**In your face, Haddock!**

Astrid is mine!

See you at our wedding.

Cousin Snot

PS Who's the Vi-KING now?

* * *

**Our sweet axe-muffin,**

The Jorgenson boy brought us a marriage contract this morning. It says:

_"Dear Hofferson Mommy and Daddy,_

_I want to marry your daughter. Pretty please. She really hates me, so she must love me._

_Bests,_

_The future Mr. Astrid_

_PS I can offer you a rainbow chicken for her if you happen like fancy animals. She's a bit flat because Fish accidentally sat on her, but no one is perfect, right?_

_PPS Except for the Snot!_

_PPPS That would be me. Your future awe-son-in-law._

_PPPPS Can me and the chicken have a hen party?"_

Should we sign it?

Love,

Mom & Dad

PS I kind of hoped that you'd marry the chief's son, but I don't blame you for wanting a little more beef in your sandwich…

* * *

**Haddock,**

Come back immediately!

Astrid

* * *

**Mom & Dad,**

Grrrr. Tear the stupid paper apart or I'm going to tear everyone apart.

Your Loving Daughter

PS If I wanted anyone's sausage in my bun that would be Hiccup's.

PPS I won't be home for dinner. I kind of lost my appetite.

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

I don't see the point in coming back.

I heard about the forthcoming nuptials between you and Snot, so I guess… congrats.

HHH III

PS I don't know whether a baby is on the way or not, but I have a few name suggestions: Hateyealout and Ass-snot. I'm sure both are troll-proof names.

* * *

**Knucklehead,**

COME BACK.

Astrid

PS For the love of Thor... _Yes, I will._


	5. Chapter 5

**A-bitch,**

You still have the chance to choose the guy who has a Monstrous Nightmare between his legs. I mean, I've seen Hiccup's junk and it's the size of a Terrible Terror. Not the actual size of a Terrible Terror because that'd be pretty impressive, but you now, proportion-wise or whatever the word Fishlegs keeps saying when he is comparing things with other things.

So his dragon is tiny, like that of a two-year-old.

Syeslout

PS By "his dragon" I meant his dick.

* * *

**Snotter,**

When was the last time when you saw him naked?

A.

* * *

**Ace-trid,**  
When we were two or something.  
But that's not the point.  
Mine is bigger.

Snotlover

* * *

And yours is the same size as it was when you were two?

LOL.

Astrid

* * *

Hey, I was a pretty big baby!

S.

* * *

**Hey Astrid babe,**

I heard the good news. It's good news, right?  
Are you feeling lucky? Just how _big_ is your luck exactly?  
Some details would be nice.

Ruffs

* * *

**Hi Ruffnut,**

Yes, I'm feeling pretty lucky...  
Erm... I'm marrying the 'handle of my hatchet'.

A.

* * *

Which hatchet exactly? The one you use on weekdays or the one you keep for the weekends?

R.

* * *

My Snoggletog hatchet. The one I have to hold with two hands.

A.

* * *

Nooooo! Life is so unfair!  
Do you mind if I erm... check it out?

R.

* * *

Be my guest.

  
A.

* * *

**Ruffnut** ,

Why did you do that? Seriously. I got used to being pushed to the ground by you, but don't make a habit of feeling my crotch.

HHH III

* * *

**Dearest Miss Hofferson,**

I have a confession to make and I hope you can forgive me. I was touched by someone else in a place which should be seen, felt and faced by you, and you only!  
Please, believe me when I say that I had nothing to do with it, I was just the innocent victim of some disturbingly indecent behavior.

Yours only,

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Please be more specific.

Miss Hofferson

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Ruffnut touched my private parts.  
You can kill me if it makes you feel better.

HHH III

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

I approved it.  
I wanted to brag about your physique.

AH

* * *

**Dear Miss Hofferson,**

Does that mean that you're... erm... content with the things I can... erm... offer you?  
As far as I know, it's a crucial point of marriage.

HHH III

* * *

**Haddock,**

  
For the love of Freya, stop talking like a fricking bard.  
I love your dick. Happy? Because I am.

AH

PS Now come over you two, and make me even happier <3

* * *

**Hey Lad,**

I happened to notice your black-eye in the forge today. So what's the story behind that? I thought yer clumsy days were over for good.

Uncle G

* * *

**Dear Gobber,**

To cut the long story short, I tried to make my woman happy.

Hiccup

PS I know it might sound random, but could you give me some advice on what to do with a woman? My dad was laughing his arse off when I asked for a _Woman Manual._

* * *

**Dear Hiccup,**

A woman is like a musical instrument, ye have to learn how to play her.

G

* * *

**Dear Gobber,**

Your instruction is kind of vague; does this mean that she is like a flute for example?

Hiccup

* * *

**Son,**

Yeah, she is like a flute, now go, play on her.

G.

* * *

**Dear Gobber,**

Okay, just to make sure, I understood it right: does it mean I have to cover her holes with my fingers?

H.

* * *

**Stoicker,**

Does your son have to publicly consume his marriage?

Gobbs

* * *

**Dear Gobber,**

Yes, he does. Why do ye ask?

Stoick the Vast (for a reason!)

* * *

Oh-oh... Berk, we have a problem.

Gobber


	6. Chapter 6

**Gobber,**

What problem?

Stoick, the vastly worried

* * *

**My dearest chief,**

Your son doesn't know how to _put his sword into the sheath_.

G.

* * *

**Blacksmith,**

For the love of Thor! How long has he been your apprentice? 10 years? And you didn't teach him?

Stoick

* * *

**Master S,**

Nope, I didn't mean it like that. He doesn't know how to _knead the dough_.

G.

* * *

**Gobbs,**

What are you talking about? He isn't a bread-making Viking, he doesn't need to know that.

Stoick, the overly confused

* * *

**Stoick,**

He doesn't know how to _plow the field_. How to _beat the hairy beast with his cudgel_. How to _feed his nuts to the squirrel_. How to _spelunk with a torch in his hand_. How to _make his snake weep into the well_. How to _fit his stick into the hole..._

G.

* * *

**Dear Gobber,**

_Oh!_

S.

* * *

**Stoick,**

"Oh!" Exactly.

G.

* * *

**Hi H-bro,**

Word on the street is that you don't know how to bang. The good news is that I'm the _Master Banger_. I bang my sister all the time! We bang in the morning, then in the afternoon and even at night and we get all sweaty and dizzy and it's awesome!

Tuffers

* * *

**Tuffnut,**

_Excuse me?_

H.

* * *

**Hix,**

You're lame. We headbutt each other all the time. And bang! bang! one of us is out. I didn't know you were into this thing otherwise I would have banged you years ago!

Tuff, Bangest Banger of the Bangs

* * *

**Tuffnut,**

You're an idiot. They meant the other kind of banging.

Ruff

* * *

**Ruffsis,**

Wait! There's another kind of banging? Why don't we do that too?

Tuffbro

* * *

**T,**

Because we are siblings and it would be utterly disgusting.

R.

* * *

**Ruffy,**

You are utterly disgusting! But tell me the rules of the game.

T-dog

* * *

**Dear Tuffnut,**

Hiccup has to put his dick into Astrid's vagina. And if he can't do that properly, she will cut him in half.

Luv,

Ruff

* * *

**Ruffnut,**

Wow. That's deep. I mean not her... Forget it. Anyways, the first part sounds kinda lame, so how about we only play the cutting in half part?

T.

* * *

**Guys,**

You're not helping me at all.

Hiccup

* * *

**Hiccy,**

Let the master teach you a thing or two! No, actually I only have one _thing_ , but you know, it's massive. I call it the Hooded Pink Death.

Snottes

* * *

**Snotlout,**

Okay. So what exactly do you do with that Hooded Pink Death of yours?

H.

* * *

**Hicc-cuz,**

Nothing! I just take it out and then the ladies go: " _Ooo, Snot, can we tame that monster?_ " And I let them do their thing and then they swoon again: " _Wow, Snot! That was great! You're the chief of Bedroomville! Can we have some more? We all love you!_ "

S.

* * *

**Hiccup ( & the rest of Berk),**

I have a confession to make. There was this one time when I accidentally wanted to fuck Snotlout, but all he did was trying to put his thumb into my bellybutton. He knows nothing.

Ruffnut Thorston, renowned sinner

* * *

**Ruff baby,**

How many times do I need to tell you it wasn't my thumb?

Besides, it was very cold!

Snot

PS Fishy, back me up on this!

* * *

**Yep, Snot,**

Things do shrink in the cold. But only a little. Like maybe with a quarter of an inch?

Fishlegs

* * *

**Grrr Fishface,**

You're not helping!

S.

* * *

**Guys,**

Okay, I think I've heard enough. I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to help me.

Hiccup

* * *

**Hiccup,**

Babe?

A.

* * *

Hmm?

H.

* * *

My parents are out of island… so how about a wedding night rehearsal?

A.

* * *

**M'lady,**

I'm in your room.

Your H.

* * *

**Babe,**

Wow, that was fast. Don't try to rush things that need time to grow...

A.

* * *

Astrid?

* * *

Hmm?

* * *

I love you. :*


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter.  
> I hope you enjoyed it.

**Gobby,**

It's time to open that 20-year-old Rabid Yak's Blood wine ye keep in your pantry, we are celebrating!

**S-man**

* * *

**Stoick,**

Erm. Shouldn't we wait until after Hiccup's wedding? I know we have always called it a celebratory wine, but we can rename it the "wash down the shame" wine, just in case…ye know, the public consummation turns out to be public humiliation.

**G.**

* * *

**Gobber,**

Have a little faith. He is a _man_ now. I have proof. Come over and let's pull that ancient cork out!

**Stoicks**

* * *

**Chief,**

Freya's saggy tits! Did ye catch yer son _Astriding_?

Deepest condolences,

**Gobbs**

* * *

**Gobby, Gobby, Gobby,**

Don't worry, my friend, I've only found a poem he wrote.

_"I conquered peaks and traveled flatlands,_

_I dwelt in valleys unknown to other men,_

_And behind your gates where my rivers will flow,_

_You taste better than any mead or honey I know."_

**S.**

* * *

**O Chief! My Chief!**

What does this prove? It could be a quote from a cheesy ballad.

**Gobber**

* * *

**Gobsy,**

The title is: "Astrid's quim".

**Stoioioioioi**

* * *

**S,**

Okay, ye're right, we should drink a lot tonight. I want to forget.

**G-shocked**

* * *

**Guys,**

So, the thing that you saw at the Academy today was that… Astrid slipped and I fell on her and we were panting because you know… the heatwave and all.

**HHH III**

* * *

**Hiccs,**

One question though: why was she screaming " _Odin's balls, I swear it gets bigger every time!_ "

**Tuffer**

* * *

**Dear Tuffnut,**

Erm… because we are so clumsy these days… we fall all the time and it was a big one.

**H.**

* * *

Yeah, Tuff, you know what they say, "The harder they are, the bigger they fall."

And Hiccup seemed pretty hard...

**Snots**

* * *

**Girlfriend,**

Wow. I know your fiancé has lost a leg, but from what I saw at the Academy today, he grew a new one…

**Ruffs**

* * *

**Hi Ruffnut,**

Yeah, yeah, yeah, time to brag: he is massive!

**A-bitch**

* * *

**Hi baby girls,**

What are you talking about? What's massive?

**Snotter**

* * *

**Hi Snotlout,**

The new pillar in the Hall. It's massive.

**Astrid**

* * *

**Hi Astrid,**

Oh, right! I know, it's big and sturdy. Very nice wood.

**Snotty**

* * *

**Astrid,**

Just be very careful, if you climb it too often, it might knock you up.

**Ruffer**

* * *

**Ruffnut,**

Sorry for correcting you, but a loose pillar would knock her _out_ or _down_. Not up.

**Fishlegs**

* * *

**Dear Mr. Haddock,**

Could you spare a moment for me?

**AH**

* * *

**Hey Miss Hofferson,**

Of course, come to the forge, I'll show you something _nice_.

**HHH III**

* * *

**Hiccup,**

I know that people sing beautiful songs and write touching poems about young love, and they are right: it is a blessed state and a noble feeling. But… ye will scrub my workbench until yer knuckles bleed, do ye understand?!

**Gobber**

* * *

**Hi Gobber,**

Sorry. We got a bit carried away.

**H.**

* * *

Next time, carry yourselves away from my forge!

**G.**

* * *

Will do.

**Hiccup**

* * *

**Stoick,**

I need to forget again.

**G.**

* * *

Me too. Come over. But avoid Hiccup's bedroom at all costs.

**Stoi-icky**

* * *

**Dear People of Berk,**

Ye're cordially invited to the wedding ceremony and the following public consummation of the marriage of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III and Astrid Hofferson.

Please read the guidelines below.

1\. The public consummation is not a performance, therefore no performance jokes are allowed.

2\. The public consummation is not an interactive show, so we have a no-touch policy.

3\. No, Mrs. Ack, you may not sell popcorn during the event.

Stoick, the Vast

* * *

**Hey Chief,**

_Pubic consumption_? Are you sure? I mean, I'm not a picky eater, but it's your only son's wedding, so I expected fancier dishes. Plus it sounds disgusting.

**Tuffnut Thorston**

* * *

**Tuffbro,**

You idiot. Public consummation. But you are right, it is sickening.

**Ruffsis**

* * *

**Dear Berkains,**

Sorry, we eloped after signing the contracts, but we are sure you had boatloads of fun at our wedding (and due to the many unfortunate encounters of the last few weeks, we don't think that anyone on this archipelago has any doubts about us being intimate with each other).

All the bests,

see you after our honeymonth,

**Mr. and Mrs. Haddock**

* * *

**Dear Mrs. Astrid Haddock,**

Thank you for marrying me.

**HHH III**

* * *

**Dear Mr. Hiccup Haddock,**

Anytime, babe, anytime.

**AH**


End file.
